intoxicated and wasted. every inch of my body is in something which I have come to known so very well- pain. and yet, my heart, my soul, my mind; every other aspect of my being, remains inexhaustible. restless. in a constant machinery-like motion. thinking of; and feeling, or at least trying to feel... YOU.

I can't.

I, who pride my self in making sense out of the most ridiculously absurd (redundancy intended for emphasis) things: garters of doom, mice in blenders, and pumpkin... juices, can not, for the remaining life of me, seem to make sense of you and of your effect on me. you, to me, remain to be nothing short of an enigma.

And so, i blame you. Yes, you, for the way I was tonight. The way I still am right now, before this very monitor, both a friend and foe for enabling me to pour unwanted thoughts out unto you but disabling me of anything tangible and palpable with you.

You leave me in tears- baffled, more than pained; In confusion, of which there is no sense and reason; Intoxicated, from salty-rimmed shot glasses of blue alcohol I have been fluffed into downing in to my already-messed-up-system; Restless, from the inorganic content of a nasty vice I have been trying to quit for the part eight years. Non-penetrated by the intimacy which I've, for so long, seek.

Hours ago, the longest ones I've had in my years of existence, I sat on concrete steps that burned my behind, in a stubborn denial of what the only person amongst you who must know me, so insistently argued I was, and probably still am, going through. I sat trying to stop you from unearthing demons of a past that I have long left behind. I denied, I argued my case, I tried... but you won.

You, a cowed, evidently under-estimated being, have managed to ruin that which I have been so laboriously worked on; that which I have kept up in a constant addition of height; that which I have manged to keep up around me and have made my self believe, is strong; that which I have been praying to be unchangeable- a fence of high voltage to keep every body, and every thing, out and to keep my sad self in.

I never should have pursued you nor allowed you to pursue me, I never should've replied to your messges/s nor sent you mine, I never should've gotten to know you nor told you about my self, I never should've looked into your eyes and entered the cursed doors to your soul, nor opened mine to yours. I never should've asked for you to wear your heart out on me nor keep mine whole, I never should've entered your dreams and opened mine to yours...

But, I did.

So now, I, a saintly-masochist, gladly accept the tormenting consequence of having you in my lived existence: choking on your presence; losing the power over my supposedly-most-articulate way of communicating- words; deeming imagined memories more real than silent moments with you; accepting, without choice, that You, and the relationship I have with you, is subordinate to the most insignificant things in life- one of which being, reality.

In the dark, we may meet each other in terms unusual to you and your friends, but when the bright and fiery royalty of the sun awakes and spreads its wings all over this unusualness, i lose you. i lose you to commitment, obligation, and the to the restrictions of the very nature of your being (yes, mine too).

Hence, forgive me... for seeking you. You, who understands my vagueness; you, who pours your self out to me; you, who shares the passion I have of often-overlooked things; you, who eases the nagging loneliness in me; you, who's unable of having small talk and instead, asks me of matters to which my sharing and advices, I so humbly ask for you not to listen to and follow.

Forgive my heart for breaking when I look at you and see a stranger. Forgive my tears from flowing when my emptied-cup is deprived of the over flow of my identifying nature of you. Forgive my soul for hiding it self when I try to touch you and not feel you there. Forgive my thoughts for drifting when I am kept at the shallow shores of your deep, deep, thinking. Forgive my hands for reaching out and finding you at an impossible distance. Forgive me for wanting and needing... that which I constantly lose to the world- You.